Beaten and subdued

Haven't been on the blog in a while. I probably shouldn't be here now either considering my current mood. Yet here I am because Jolyn won't hang out and let me rant at her.

She, the rotten beast, is out on a date. She went out on a night that we usually watch Heroes together. Okay, to be honest we don't watch it together every episode, but I expected to watch this one together and she wasn't here.

She said, and I quote, "Watch it with Sam, but don't char his fur". As if I would hurt the dumb dog. She doesn't understand why Sam stays with me. Neither do I really.

I guess I should explain where Sam came from first... Jolyn found him in a box by a dumpster on campus the week after New Years. She figured he was an unwanted Christmas gift. Why am I not surprised that some human out there threw away a living creature? I'm not because I've seen it over and over again.

Jolyn was surprised and brought the gangly puppy home to our cave. I think she would have loved the little monstrosity, but instead he became my shadow. At first I found it a bother to always have Sam so close, but now...well he is good company and makes no demands on me.

One thing I have learned about Sam is that his previous home was not a pleasant one. He may have been there only a few weeks, but it left a lasting fear in him. If I move too quickly around him, he looks at me as one who is about to be beaten. I know that look and have seen it often enough before. I even wore that emotion for a time. For Sam it is not in his nature to rebel against his tormentor. I wonder if that might have been an easier course for myself. I will never know because it has never been in my nature to accept cruelty or even authority.

So little Sam with his long gangly legs and his tan colored body still cowers when I'm angry. But he doesn't cower as much as he once did and Jolyn thinks that I show more restraint to save Sam undue fear. She may be right.

Jerdin
with Sam laying on my right foot.

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KILL THE CHEERLEADER ALREADY!

Jolyn is threatening to take my TV away, now that I finally found a show I enjoy. But my question for her was... How exactly did she expect me to react to the show?

In case you haven't guessed, I'm talking about the TV series, HEROES. Jolyn and I have had a running "date" as she calls it to watch it together every Monday. At first I thought it would be a good time to catch up on my sleep, but as it turns out, the show is quite good.

So they have been building up all this suspense over how the world is going to end and these few special people are all that stands between survival and the world being blown to smithereens. To save the world, they have to save some silly cheerleader who seems to be indestructible anyhow.

Jolyn is getting all gooey eyed over the heroin addict- er, I mean the tortured artist... sheesh. If she brought him and his drugs here I think I would just eat him and save her the trouble.

The part that freaks Jo out is when I start cheering for the bad guy. The nuclear guy is cool and Syler or however you spell it... Well he is making it happen. Though now... Well I won't ruin it for anyone who missed this episode.

Don't worry I won't be sitting here next Monday staring at a wall. I told Jo that if she takes my TV, I will go out and get a new one. And you know, when I go all calm and say things like that she gets worried, so the TV is no longer in danger.

daegyn-rok

just like you...

Jolyn still won't give me live TV or radio. I asked her why and she started to lie to me about not being able to make it work down here. Whether it was the snarl of frustration of the searing of her favorite sweater... Well she finally answered me. AFTER swearing like a sailor.

Her words and I quote, "because you are pissy enough without having the whole fucked up world to get riled about. If I got the damn news here I would have to kill you to have any peace in my life at all."

So the short answer is no, it ain't happening. But as a compromise she brought me a new stack of music CDs. My favorite today is "Just Like You" by Three Day's Grace.

The down side of the song is that it made me think of Daddy Dearest. (I picked that insult up from a movie the other night, though she was talking about her mommy dearest.) Well, thoughts of my father are far from warm and fuzzy but now and then I do wonder... Well, I wonder a lot of things but mostly I wonder what made him do all the terrible things he did and how he could find it all justified. I remember long ago when I was very young, long before Grant was even born to be my companion... I remember my father as a loving and gentle man. He held me and played games and we were not at odds. We were not at war.

But all that changed. When I learned that he had an agenda for creating me and that he expected me to do terrible deeds in his name... That did not really change how I felt for him. Sure, I disagree and argued and refused, But Jo does the same to me, so perhaps that was fairly normal.

What changed every bit of my love to hate and what took my angst and twisted it into homicidal rage was the moment he shot my Vinola. For that I can never forgive him.

In the darkest most hidden part of my heart I wonder... How could he do it? He swore to love me and yet he carved the heart from my breast taking away the woman who let me walk in the light, her light. As the demons call the soulmate... Vinola was my Morningstar.

Father, you are a ruthless bastard and I could be just like you.

J

fall...

fall sucks. I can feel the changes in the world above me and wish so much that I could experience it myself. Jolyn brings fruit and bright leaves to our cave, but it isn't the same.

Jo brought a new entertainment system too. She is so strange at times. She has converted a corner of the main cave into a human habitat as she calls it. She has installed soft brown furniture. A sofa, loveseat and two chairs all in leather. The best part is the big screen TV, VCR, DVD... and I'm sure some other letters that I have forgotten.

When she was explaining what it all does, Jo mentioned that some people watch the current news on the TV but that we won't be able to do that. She said that we couldn't because of being so far under ground, but I know better. The girl is too smart to let a little thing like dirt stop her, so I figure that she doesn't want me to see the current news about the world. I'm not mad at her. she's probably right.

Now we have a stack of those DVD movies and she is promising a movie night tomorrow. Tonight she is going out with another young man. I hope this one goes better than the last one.

J

The Companion.

I know Jo reads this journal. I don't have the heart to ask her not to when she claims the whole world has access to it. I know she reads it because she asked me this morning about Grant and who he was. I've never mentioned Grant to her before because he is part of the past that I try so hard to leave behind.

I couldn't explain him to her when she asked but I will try to do so here. Grant was my friend, but so much more than that. In a time when I could trust no one, he became my confidant. But he was supposed to be my handler, nothing more than a tool to force me to do deeds I didn't want to do.

Jormangund thought he could use Grant like a leash. Neither Grant nor I liked the idea all that much. Grant is unique in all the nine realms. His mother is the ruling queen of hell, a demon of such beauty and power that Pahele, master of hell would settle for no other at his side. But before she bound herself to Pahele, Sadrina had a child named Grant. Jormangund and his sister Hel stole Grant and gave him to me as a slave, as a companion.

What they didn't expect was that Grant had honor and instead of betrayal, he offered me friendship. I was a bit easier going back then and I accepted friendship. With him at my side I was allowed to leave hell and go out to explore the worlds I was supposed to destroy. We traveled together for about four thousand years. To say we were close doesn't even begin to cover it.

J.

purpose

Jolyn finally came back today, briefly. I don't recall what I said but she threw a handful of newspaper articles at me and stormed back out. She didn't even stay long enough to say hello or goodbye. It was very unlike her.

I think I may understand though. She was afraid. The articles she brought back were all about terrible things that have happened around the world in the past few years. She must have been collecting them for quite some time. She has never asked why I am caged here so deep in the earth, but I think she knows. She knows how Vinola died and that I was more than a tad upset. But I have never spoken to her about what the prophesies say I will do.

Then again, the way people keep fucking up the world, I may not be needed after all. What good is an ancient Daegyn-Rok when every being acts as a destroyer?

I can almost hear Jolyn's argument. She sounds a lot like C when she speak up in the defense of men. "They have their good sides. Not all or even most are evil." That may well be true but when evil is allowed to walk among the good without restraint then all is lost. Those same good people will turn away from an unfair lynching, will shun a man for his poverty, will punish men whose only guilt is illness. It is true they may not be evil, but they perpetrate it damn well.

The day after Jo left the first time, I roasted the CD player, so the caverns echo with sounds of the underground river. That monotonous rush of sound dulls some of my emotions. Now, I'm not even sure what I was so angry over. I just wish Jo would come back. The cave is far too lonely without her. Without her the only company I have is my memories and those bring nothing but pain.

That's not exactly true. There were a few good times. Perhaps I will try to dwell on those for a while. Vinola. Everything about her was good. Even when she kicked my ass, I loved her more than the breath she stole with her kiss or her kicks. I still love her. Someday I will find her.

The other bright spot was Grant. I wonder what ever happened to the old rascal. Maybe I should have Jolyn look him up for me. If she ever comes back...

J ~ dreaming of better days...