Jolyn still won't give me live TV or radio. I asked her why and she started to lie to me about not being able to make it work down here. Whether it was the snarl of frustration of the searing of her favorite sweater... Well she finally answered me. AFTER swearing like a sailor.
Her words and I quote, "because you are pissy enough without having the whole fucked up world to get riled about. If I got the damn news here I would have to kill you to have any peace in my life at all."
So the short answer is no, it ain't happening. But as a compromise she brought me a new stack of music CDs. My favorite today is "Just Like You" by Three Day's Grace.
The down side of the song is that it made me think of Daddy Dearest. (I picked that insult up from a movie the other night, though she was talking about her mommy dearest.) Well, thoughts of my father are far from warm and fuzzy but now and then I do wonder... Well, I wonder a lot of things but mostly I wonder what made him do all the terrible things he did and how he could find it all justified. I remember long ago when I was very young, long before Grant was even born to be my companion... I remember my father as a loving and gentle man. He held me and played games and we were not at odds. We were not at war.
But all that changed. When I learned that he had an agenda for creating me and that he expected me to do terrible deeds in his name... That did not really change how I felt for him. Sure, I disagree and argued and refused, But Jo does the same to me, so perhaps that was fairly normal.
What changed every bit of my love to hate and what took my angst and twisted it into homicidal rage was the moment he shot my Vinola. For that I can never forgive him.
In the darkest most hidden part of my heart I wonder... How could he do it? He swore to love me and yet he carved the heart from my breast taking away the woman who let me walk in the light, her light. As the demons call the soulmate... Vinola was my Morningstar.
Father, you are a ruthless bastard and I could be just like you.
J
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