just like you...

Jolyn still won't give me live TV or radio. I asked her why and she started to lie to me about not being able to make it work down here. Whether it was the snarl of frustration of the searing of her favorite sweater... Well she finally answered me. AFTER swearing like a sailor.

Her words and I quote, "because you are pissy enough without having the whole fucked up world to get riled about. If I got the damn news here I would have to kill you to have any peace in my life at all."

So the short answer is no, it ain't happening. But as a compromise she brought me a new stack of music CDs. My favorite today is "Just Like You" by Three Day's Grace.

The down side of the song is that it made me think of Daddy Dearest. (I picked that insult up from a movie the other night, though she was talking about her mommy dearest.) Well, thoughts of my father are far from warm and fuzzy but now and then I do wonder... Well, I wonder a lot of things but mostly I wonder what made him do all the terrible things he did and how he could find it all justified. I remember long ago when I was very young, long before Grant was even born to be my companion... I remember my father as a loving and gentle man. He held me and played games and we were not at odds. We were not at war.

But all that changed. When I learned that he had an agenda for creating me and that he expected me to do terrible deeds in his name... That did not really change how I felt for him. Sure, I disagree and argued and refused, But Jo does the same to me, so perhaps that was fairly normal.

What changed every bit of my love to hate and what took my angst and twisted it into homicidal rage was the moment he shot my Vinola. For that I can never forgive him.

In the darkest most hidden part of my heart I wonder... How could he do it? He swore to love me and yet he carved the heart from my breast taking away the woman who let me walk in the light, her light. As the demons call the soulmate... Vinola was my Morningstar.

Father, you are a ruthless bastard and I could be just like you.

J

fall...

fall sucks. I can feel the changes in the world above me and wish so much that I could experience it myself. Jolyn brings fruit and bright leaves to our cave, but it isn't the same.

Jo brought a new entertainment system too. She is so strange at times. She has converted a corner of the main cave into a human habitat as she calls it. She has installed soft brown furniture. A sofa, loveseat and two chairs all in leather. The best part is the big screen TV, VCR, DVD... and I'm sure some other letters that I have forgotten.

When she was explaining what it all does, Jo mentioned that some people watch the current news on the TV but that we won't be able to do that. She said that we couldn't because of being so far under ground, but I know better. The girl is too smart to let a little thing like dirt stop her, so I figure that she doesn't want me to see the current news about the world. I'm not mad at her. she's probably right.

Now we have a stack of those DVD movies and she is promising a movie night tomorrow. Tonight she is going out with another young man. I hope this one goes better than the last one.

J