Sam

Had a guy sent me a private post through this blog thing. I didn't know you could do that. He said he liked the poetry and wanted to know when I would be posting more. Here it is.

You
are
all
worm
food

I
watch

Dying
is
the
easy
part

We buried Sam today. He fell asleep at my feet and never woke up. Just like Sam to not want to cause any trouble even in death. With as much death as I have seen in my life you would think I would be immune to the loss, but I'm not. I think I took it even harder than Jolyn.

We found a quiet spot in the caves that had a dirt floor. Then I buried him in the old way of the Tascryn Demons. Considering he could shepard my soul I felt that was fitting. I dug the hole, with a small ceremonial trowl. Deep down and perfectly round. Then I prepared the bottom and sides so he would not have any rocks poking him. Some loose dirt at the bottom to soften the bed. Sam, curled in a ball inside his shroud... he might have still just been asleep.

His shroud is gold with sparkles. Jolyn's choice but fitting. Then we each placed a some dirt in while thinking of Sam and all he gave us. I filled in the hole.

The top of his grave has two stones. One from me and one from Jolyn. It is a small cairn but one to show he was loved and will be missed. My stone has his name and is partially blacked with dragon fire. Jolyn carved a stone for him. It says "Loved".

Sam, we miss you.

J

feeling poetic

sudden pain
breaking apart
love torn away
from a broken heart

violent impulses
held in tight
cradled in darkness
away from the light

no thinning clouds
under no blinding sky
for freedom I weep
forever I cry

locked here in my
dark garden of stone
I dream of my past
my future alone

hearts broken
pain without end
for now I sleep
waiting for when

for rising tides
and shaking ground
this world gone wrong
becomes fire bound

kingdoms of fire,
landscape burnt bare
take care of the edge
dragons be there

J

Another day in paradise

or some such shit. I'm hanging out here in the cave alone again. Jolyn is off with her mother doing some crazy fucking thing. This time it's a mother/daughter bowing league. For gods sakes. You've got to be kidding me. Bowling?

Oh well, at least she left me entertainment. Jo brought me new dvds, this time two years worth of some tv show called Dexter. Have to admit, she knows me well. I do love this show. My only complaint is that sometimes it seems the murdering psycho complicates simple things. If it's his nature to kill, why is it wrong for him to do so? I seriously like that he found a way to channel his needs into something that improved the world as a whole.

Hate to get deep and analytical, but I wonder if I can turn my own dark nature to some favorable light? Not sure, but I'll have to give it some thought. My particular skills at first seem to have only one use and I don't think the rest of the inhabitants of this paradise would appreciate being burned into nonexistence. I could be wrong but since it's sort of a one time thing, I don't think I'll experiment.

Not that it matters since I'm still locked up here.

J

Wolves

Wolves. I honestly didn't think much of them or their duel souled counterparts, the Valafrn until one day when I met one and she kicked my ass.

Vinola was a Valafrn werewolf but also more and much like myself she was out in the world searching for herself.

Jolyn, I hope you understand that I never loved your mother. I cared for her and I respected her courage. But there was no love, not the kind that should be between mates. She was given to me as a sacrifice. Her family expected me to eat her. (I did, but that's another story) Perhaps in our circumstances tolerance and eventual betrayal was the best we could hope for.

But Vinola was different. She captured my heart from first glance. Oh sure, it took her a while so see any value in me, but it wasn't for lack of my trying. You might wonder what it was about one werewolf that caught my eye when I'd seen the whole world and not been overly impressed with any other? I think this might be the difference between love and "forever love".

Damn that sounds cheesy.

I believe that if the world had given us enough time your mother and I could have come to love one another. But no amount of time would have bound her soul to mine. I think that space was already spoken for long before I even came into the world. Vinola was that other half that I'd been searching for without ever understanding. The moment I saw her, my heart awoke. That inner place in my being that had been quiet--it roared. I had to have her, be with her, love her.

Nothing else mattered.

Grant was with me at the time. He and I fought over my reaction to Vinola. I was then, and still am now, completely irrational when it comes to her. I'm sure I drove him nuts. If he hadn't promised to stay by my side no matter what, I'm sure my mood swings would have driven him away. But he did stay and eventually Vinola relented.

We were together far too short a time. But for that time the world was perfect. Before we'd had more than a taste of that love, she was gone.

If I get a little misty when I see wolf art, it is for missing her.

J

WHAT?

Umm... ok. That was not the reaction I expected and to be blunt I'm not sure I'm open minded enough to ah... hear any more about it. :)

Jolyn
who is now in shock and happy to leave your blog to you.

The angel

Leave the angel. He is rather attractive.

J

A note from Jolyn

Yes I broke into your blog. Sorry. Well not really. I just wanted to say I am sorry for making your life more difficult. I love you and I'm very glad to have you watching over me. The concept is something new to me and might chafe at times, but that doesn't mean I don't appreciate it.

I DO.

We beasties need to stick together. Yes, you were right about Bob. It never would have worked. That didn't keep me from wishing it could. As for my mysterious brother... I understand your enthusiasm. I do. But I'm not ready to share you yet. Somedays I feel like we've only just met. Please have patience with me.

I guess that also explains part of your reaction to my mother's out of the blue arrival. Her in my life will not now or ever take me from your life. It won't. (refer back to beasties sticking together comment)

Even from our one brief meeting, I believe I want to get to know Maya. That is the name she goes by now, although she did tell me that you knew her as Mia. Close enough that I imagine it makes little difference. What is different or at least she claims is different is her. She openly admitted to making many mistakes which others myself included were forced to pay for. I'm not sure if I forgive her for casting me aside but now, here in the present, we have a new chance and I think I'd like to take advantage of it.

I won't ask you to like her, or even tolerate her. If I have to I can meet with her away from our home. But to be honest, I'd rather have you nearby. I'm not so sure of her or my abilty to judge her character to be comfortable without your support.

If that's too much to ask I do understand. Perhaps you can tell me if this Grant guy might be willing to chaparone us if you can't? You seem to trust him and I know how rare that is.

Oh I posted some pictures for you. :) The dog reminded me of Sam and the wolves were just beautiful. I know how much you love wolves. Perhaps someday you will tell me why. Oh and the angel was just too sexy not to share. LOL!!

Jolyn
PS: LOL is short for Laugh Out Loud which in this case was because I can so imagine you face when you see the sexy angel. :D

What happened and the shit that hit the fan

The visit the other day from the Lord of Darkness raised a shitload of issues. Besides me being a pissed off asshole.

Let me start at the beginning. He came to speak with Jolyn, not me. The topic that they thought would be better off not for my ears was Jolyn's mother and her interest in meeting Jo.

After a blew up a few more pieces of furnature I listened, really fuckin listened to what Jo was saying. She wanted to meet her mother. She wanted to meet the woman who cast her aside as an infant in a trade for power. She wanted to meet the crazy bitch face to face. What for I still don't understand. What I do know is that she made only one demand, that it be here with me.

It was about that time that I think her words sank into my think brain. She needed me. I was already here, part of her life and she needed me to be there for this big moment too. I offered to barbique the witch for her, but she made me promise to control my temper and let her do this.

The coming of Ragnarock couldn't be more trying. I mean how am I supposed to accept this woman back into my life even if it is vicariously through Jolyn? She betrayed me, bartered my child to my enemy and had the gall to do it all while pretending to give a shit about what I wanted. After pleeing my case with Jolyn for two days, I conceeded. Her mother came today. She walked right into my cave and sat down with my daughter drinking my fucking tea.

I stayed back and kept my many violent opinions to myself. I did however listen to every word said.

I expected her to use her slippery tongue to twist Jolyn's affection. She didn't. Mostly she listened to Jo, asking questions about her life, both before she foudn me and since. She didn't comment on me or our past. I was surprised. After about an hour, she got to the meat of her visit. She apologized to Jolyn and to me for her actions so long ago.

My suspicious nature says it might all be a trick, some devious opening to a malicious plan. But I didn't sense any subterfuge from her. I did sense remorse and much longing.

I wonder if perhaps she has grown up... Perhaps I expected too much from the girl so long ago. She'd been little more than a child herself when she was given to me as a sacrifice. Has she grown more wise? If so perhaps she and Jolyn may be able to salvage some kind of relationship.

I do have one terrible fear though. What if she is only here to finish her bargain? What is my father is still after Jolyn? If he is... If he is still controling this woman, then I fear what will come next. When she took my child from me the first time, I was devastated. Now that I know Jolyn and love her more than life itself... Now there would no imprisoning stone nor even fire in hell that could stop me from vengeance.

Let rain the destiny of all the worlds (in other words - bring on the shitstorm). I will watch you Mia and I will watch over my children with more diligence than ever before.

J

WTF?!?

It's been years since I've been this pissed. no not years. decades!

I damaged (charred to a black lump) my other computer but had to get this out before I burn the whole cave down.

About an hour ago, Grant arrived. Kind of a nice surprise.

He wasn't alone. His stepfather, reigning Tascryn demon, Lord Pahele was with him. (A seriously not nice surprise.) Not that I have much against Pahele. He has been almost decent to me over the centuries, but I'm sick of having my prison turned into a revolving door with guest after guest. Jolyn comes and goes and I've gotten used to her freedom while I remain trapped. And I'm glad to have Grant come by now and again although it pains me each time he leaves and it is drilled into me again that I can't go with him.

But to have virtual strangers wandering in and out... IT'S TOO MUCH.

And to top it off, Pahele wasn't here to visit me anyhow. He'd come to talk with Jolyn and I wasn't even allowed to hear the duscussion let alone have an opinion or participate. I mean, WHAT THE HELL, this is my home. She is my daughter. How dare they?

Bastards.

Sam's hiding. Jolyn hasn't come back yet. We lost another sofa to fire damage.

I'm going to my lake.

J

A visit and unexpected news.

Grant came by today. This time he came to see my daughter, not me. But knowing me as he he does and being as loyal as one of his ilk can be, he spoke with me first before changing my daughter's whole future.

He had in his possession a letter from Jolyn's mother, who I'd thought was long passed from this life. I don't know the contents, but the fact that Mia still lives and is attempting to contact Jolyn is unnerving at best, and more likely downright shitty.

Mia... I once thought I might love the girl. She was given to me during my time with the native people of Central America. Grant and I had thought some time traveling there might be a pleasure and surprisingly, it was. The freedom to take my true form was liberating even if the people did tend to worship me in ways I did not always enjoy.

J

Letting sleeping dragons lie

Jolyn came back. She snarled when I asked about Bob. I'm guessing that means their great love didn't prove great enough. I won't ask again. No point in stirring that pot of pain up.

She has focused all her formidible energy on renovating an area for her own personal space. What once was a bare cavern set back from the main cave has now been transformed into a lavish and very feminine bedroom. It is of course more spacious than any human housing would be, but I can see the likeness to the design magazine she has been staring at.

Sam is baffled by her behavior. Although he is usually willing to share his attention with her, lately he hovers by me while watching Jolyn with a twinge of fear. The fear is from her first night home when she growled at him, something she'd never done before. I know she would never hurt the dog, but his nightmares over past treatments make trust a tenuous thing.

I haven't brought up her brother again. I will in time but for now I will be focusing on the daughter I have rather than to stress her or myself over a son who we will soon enough have time to meet.

We don't talk about anything important. We barely talk at all. But for now it is for the best. Before long her pain will dull enough to be manageable. Until then it is best to let sleeping dragons lie.

J

surprises

It has been an emotional couple of weeks.

Jolyn read the last post and called me that night. But she did not come home. Instead she told me that she and Bob were going skiing for the week. Why would she do that? Why would she, who is bothered by the cold actualy seek out a snowy mountain for nothing more than sliding down it? It makes no sense to me.

And I thought she would want to know about the rest of her family. The thought of finally getting to know my son rends me nearly in half. Yet she only came back last night.

Far from being excited, she refused to talk about her brother, barely glanced at the photo.

Confused by women no matter the species

Jolyn is insane. I'm sure of it and I guess I shouldn't be surprised. It does run in the family. She has proclaimed herself in love with a human. She has decided to live among them so that she can be with him.

Bob. I don't get it. One minute she is complaining about the miscreant's behavior and the next she is ranting at me for agreeing. All I said was that she could just eat him next time he pissed her off and then she jumped down my throat. Then she explained the real problem.

He thinks she's human. She hasn't told him the truth... which is good.

She said he accused her of shutting him out. I had no answers for her. I wish there were some way she could have what she so badly wants but being normal is never going to be the truth of her existence. She isn't human. No amount of pretending can make it so. Although she may truly love this Bob, I cannot see a future for them.

But perhaps I am wrong.

I have yet to show her the picture of her brother. Perhaps doing so will help her to not feel so alone. She moved out three days ago and has not been back since.

Jolyn, if you read this, come home. We need to talk.

J

I have no words

Grant came by again. This time he brought with him a photograph of a young man. Tall and blond with blue eyes so clear they make me ache. After handing me this blessing, my friend left me alone again.

He didn't need to tell me who the picture was of, nor did he stay to see how I would react. He understood, and gave me this time to find myself once more.

The blue eyes are like my own, like my father's, like my grandfather's. The wavy blond hair is so like like his mother's hair as is his fair conplexion. But he has my height. I can see that even in the photo.

My son.

The picture shows him with a group of people in front of a new home. The earth is still raw and the paint fairly glitters with its newness. The people around him, they all look so happy and... I don't know how to explain it. They are together, a family. My son is among them but unlike the others, he is touching no one. There is a barely visible space around him, that I know much about. The others will be his clan, those wolves who he calls family. But he is not one of them.

He will never be one of them.

My son, so like me and yet so very different from...everyone else.

I can't wait until Jolyn returns so that I can share this with her. Perhaps it is time she and I talked about the rest of her kin. She deserves to know them or at least know of them.

J

I hate the cold

Jolyn swears the cave is the same temperature now as it was last August, but the freezing marrow of my bones says differently. About this time every year I have the urge to move somewhere warm or better yet, hot. But of course that isn't possible.

The best I can manage is to think back to those days when I was able to travel, when on a whim I could head for the beach or better yet the Egyptian desert. Egypt was the first place on the mortal realm that I saw and to this day those burning sands have left a lasting impression. I wonder if Grant ever visits the homeland of his father? Perhaps he and I can talk about it next time he visits.

Or perhaps not. He hasn't come back since Sam caught him sneaking around my cave. How odd is it that I actually want to have some company? Maybe that is because Jolyn has been spending more and more time away from the cave. As nice as Sam is to be here with me, I yearn for something more, some contact that I'm missing.

It shouldn't be such a mystery. For centuries I have been here, trapped with myself for companionship. Well, I make piss poor company even for myself. Once Jolyn came, I began to realize how much of my life was empty.

Being alone was not a comfort. Being alone sucks.

The music and TV do not make up for the quiet in my heart. I long for the simple contact of holding hands, or sitting close. That isn't something that Jolyn and I share, not even in the sense of father and daughter. Between us there is little touching.

What I miss is that illusive emotion called love. Vinola. She and I touched all the time from the first moment we met. It was more than lust that flared between us. It was love even before we were brave enough to call it such. Losing her left me cold and dead inside. Still I long for even a shadow of that warmth. Perhaps someday there will be another in my life that will want to hold my hand and sit close.

Perhaps Sam and I will watch Lakehouse again. The distance between those lovers was as poignant as can be and yet there is always hope. Enough rambling.

J